Heh, Boobies

So, yesterday I went with my Dad to buy me a new swimming suit. My old bikini didn't really fit anymore, and, lets face it, I look horrible in it. Regardless of my gender identity issues, I have body image issues - which is pretty common for everyone, I know. When I went to college I gained abou 30 lbs. I went from weighing between 118 and 125 my senior year of highschool to 150. And it all went to my boobs, hips, and belly. Everytime I see myself in profile I feel like I look 3 months preggers. Eeew. I've tried going to the gym and eating better, but I get so busy with school that I have trouble keeping up with working out. And I'm convinced that my metabolism is really slow. I routinely eat less than my roomie, and work out more than her, but she is so much thinner than me! Rar!

I know, I know. Most people I tell this too are like, "Your boobs and hips/ass got bigger? Why are you complaining! That's great!" Yea, maybe if you want people talking about them all the time or you want to be a porn star. Not if you want to be androgynous. It's nearly impossible for me to pass, no matter how hard I try because my body is just too curvaceous and womanly. Childbearing hips and D cup breasts does not allow for much androgyny. What's a genderqueer to do?

Anyway, back to the swimmsuit. So, I needed a new suit. Both for self conciousness reasons, and that I felt a bikini was just to femmy for me. So we went shopping. I found a top that looks kinda like a spaghetti strap shirt. It covers my breasts and has a built in bra, so I don't feel like I'm falling out (which is always a problem with bikini tops). I also got a pair of mens swimtrunks. When I put them on and looked in the mirror, I was surprised to discover that I liked how I looked. For once, everything seemed to fit. I actually liked my breasts and the way they fit into the top. But I also liked the way the girly top worked with the boyish shorts. It was really exciting.

Maybe I'll find more outfits that work this way for me. But swimmwear is a good place to start, I guess. I really want to feel comfortable in my body, but it really is to womanly for me. I don't want to transition, but I would like to look more androgynous so I can then dress how I feel gender-wise without my body giving me away. But that won't happen until I loose some weight in T&A and maybe get breast reduction surgery - but lets face it, I'm terrified of surgery, so that'll probably never happen. So for now, I'm stuck with my compression shirt and boy shorts. We'll see where it goes from there.