Three in one

Wow, three post in one day. Crazy huh. I've been wanting to post about the vids my prior two posts are about for some time, but have been really busy. First I was at my Dad's, then at Topher's. As much as I love posting about homoerotic superheroes, I wasn't about to give up my precious one week in paradise for blogging. So, I'm making up for lost time.

So, I just got back from California on Wednesday. You'd think after almost three years of on and off long distance leaving would get easier. It doesn't. I cry less, but I still feel empty for a few days after we separate. I spent today making vague attempts at productivity, not really seeing much of a point as I'm leaving for Grinnell on Saturday. I spent most of the day watching Smallville and reading web comics I needed to catch up on. God, has it really been almost three years? Spring break happens right after our anniversarry. Topher was in another surgery today, so I also spent most of today worrying as well as feeling lonely. Mom and Zoe were at work and school respectively, so I was alone for most of the day - not that I would have really appreciated their company had they been home. Mom would have tried to distract me via finding things for me to do around the house, but it would have just felt grating. So I spent today eating junk food, worrying, and attempting to mindlessly entertain myself.

Not that I'm wallowing in self pitty. Truth be told, I'm happy to still feel this way. The fact that it still cuts like a knife every time we say "goodbye" tells me that this is right. If the tears and gaping wound feeling that I felt the first spring break we were together were at this point merely a shrug and "what's next" then I would be talking to Topher about where our relationship was really going. As it is, the horrible pain I feel at each leavetaking instead gives me the valuble reassurance that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Sure it sucks, but when we finally are together for good next year, I'll know it was hard won and worth it compeltely.

As I hang up from hearing him talk about watching Top Chef on his iPod while waiting for three hours to be wheeled into surgery (I am now thourogly convinced he's a masochist considering he couldn't and hadn't eating since midnight the night before) I smile to myself and laugh, tears in my eyes. My chest is so full of emotion it feels as though it could burst.

God, I love this man!