Trans woes

So, I just got through reading this: Medical Therapy and HM for Transgender Men. I highly recommend it just to become more informed about the medical facts of transitioning. It is written by a physician who is also a transmen, so it comes from personal and professional experience.

It answered a lot of questions I had about hormones and surgery. Unfortunately, the answers it gave me were not exactly the ones I wanted to hear. At this point, it seems like testosterone is right out for me. The potential side effects (like increased risk for heart attack) waaay outweigh the potential benefits (deeper voice). It also finally gave me an answer as to how "enlarged" the clitoris gets. It can grow anywhere from 3 to 7cm, and average is 4-5cm over three years. Wow. I dunno, personally, even though I feel more male gendered than female gendered, I'm oddly happy with my genitals. Sure, I'd really like a dick, but not a micro-penis that's really just an overgrown clit. I dunno, I want a real penis, but having an englarged clitoris would just make me feel freakish and unnatural (rather than naturally male like an actual penis would). I would not be able to look at or treat my enlarged clit as a micro-penis. It would always be a freakish clit to me. And I'd rather have a normal clit than a freak-clit. It would also be begging to be named "Incredible Hulk" and that's just unnaceptable.

The things it said about mascectomies weren't encouraging either. Apparently, the best results come from transmen with A or B cups, and the kind of surgery required to reconstruct the chests of large breasted transmen always leave really horrible and unattractive scarring and could result in desensitizing of the nipple (in part because they have to move it to put it in the correct location for a male chest). This is also unacceptable. I may not like them, but my breasts are pretty and sexy. And I want my male chest to be sexy too, and lack of sensation and horrible scars are NOT sexy. So I am almost completely turned off of a full masectomy.

I'm going to look into breast reduction, but on the whole, I'm feeling really down. This pretty much confirmed what I had always suspected - it is just impossible for me to have the kind of body I want. If I were a more androgynous girl naturally, things would be easier. But my body is just too womanly, so I pretty much have no chance of ever achieving the kind of androgynous/male body I would want. The closest I can get is a horribly mangled freakish manmade approximation. So, I am a sad panda, and horribly envious of all the petite small breasted women and genderqueers I know. Too bad I can steal Anu's boobs. Grrrrrrr.